Gamma 2

Derek’s Life (As He Sees It) Part 2 WAT U B TALKIN BOUT BRO THIS B TOTES DA TRUTH

Hello. My name is Derek, but you already knew that. If you forget, just remember it rhymes… with Derek. It also rhymes with platypus, but only on Tuesdays. Anyway, to my totes the truth life story. By the time I was 6, I was really good at very important things, like, you know, blowing things up, but that’s another story. I was also involved in an international spy game, and the European Union had recruited me to raid Ft. Knox and steal all the gold. I left Brussels, and, 8.40 seconds later, I was there. I blew open the doors, but THERE AIN’T NO GOLD IN THIS HIZZIE. So I went back, but, before I could, the Government told me to answer a question. The question made so little sense its mere presence on this page would cause it to implode, so I cannot write it. However, I can write what happened afterward! Then I said “Blue elephants riding glowing pink chocolate noodles”, but then they said it was a trick question, so I said “Maybe I knew it was a trick question and I gave you a TRICK ANSWER!!! -2 seconds later, I arrived in Canada, because Canada’s awesome, and was quickly abducted by the KGB. They took me back to Russia and sent me on a mission to blow up all the stop signs in the continental United States. At this point, I was 8, and I knew a thing or two about how to blow up street signs, but that’s another story. They also gave me a nuclear submarine, which was a HUGE mistake on their part. I promptly entered the fabled Trans-Siberian Submarine Race, and, as a massive crowd gathered, a HUGE earthquake struck, and it was so strong that it shook apart all the subs, but since mine went furthest, I won by default, THE BEST WAY TO WIN! However, everyone was totes jelly cause I achieved this amazing way to win, and they all decided to ELIMINATE me. They must not have been paying attention to the last 9 years of my life though, and I defeated them all within 2 decimeters. It was like genetic mutation, or, something. I didn’t pay attention in Lit-II A. How this applies to the situation at hand I have no idea. It was at this point that James M. showed up and killed them all with a single piece of firewood. Then I went home to somewhere else, but just as was about to get there, the Martians invaded again, and they wanted to destroy Canada because it was too awesome. I knew I had to stop them, so I reassembled the nuclear sub in 2.0347129384601 seconds, loaded it into my rocket launcher, and blew up their mother ship. That was fun. That’s the end. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO HEAR ABOUT HOW I ELIMINATED THE ILLUMINATI WITH JUST A CROWN VIC, A SUBWOOFER, AND TWO TREE BRANCHES!!!