EPIC STORY TIME!!! Gamma 1

Gamma 1 Derek’s Life (As he sees it) Part 1 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THIS IS TOTES THE TRUTH BRO

Hello reader. My name is Derek, but you already knew that. You came here for EPIC STORY TIME!!! Alpha 14 didn’t you. Whelp, NOT TODAY! You get to hear my totally true life story. ANYWAY, let’s get on with it. I was born on , and was a normal baby for 3.14159 seconds, but then my family was annexed by Russia and forced to work in the doorknob factory, so I was left to roam the streets. But then, like, 3 minutes after that, the Martians said they were going to invade, so the government kidnapped me and turned me into a really cool computer called HAL 9000 Omicron and sent me to fight them off. By the time I got to Mars I was almost 3 years old and was getting WAY better at, you know, walking. BUT THEN, the Martians noticed I was there, and party time was over. I had to fight off all 6,000,000,000,000,000 of them by myself. That was really hard. I lost all my fingers. However, some of the Martians got to Earth, so I had to come back super quick. -2 seconds later, I was there, and I was also a master with a rocket launcher (That’s a different story for a different day month  week next week) The Martians were taking over all of the Midwest and giving the areas they took over really weird names like “Ohio”. I knew I had to stop them, so I stole an aircraft carrier and ran them all over, which makes sense. But then the government had to blow it up to hide the evidence. By this point, I was HEY WAIT!!! Am I breaking the 4th wall yet? No? Alright then. Be that way. ANYWAY, before I was RUDELY interrupted (by myself), I was five years old, and also the best racecar driver in the whole western hemisphere, but that’s another story, and I had to go to school to learn “useful” things, such as math. However, I STILL haven’t learned math ‘cause I suck at it! Take that Bridgewater-Raritan School District! I also met a bunch of other really cool peoples, like Andrew, and Jules, and Nick S., and Tyler Follo, and anyone who reads this, but that’s ALSO another story. Back to the story though. The hippos were destroying all of Canada, and I was their only hope, AND YOU WERE THERE! How were you there, you ask? Don’t question the pure awesomeness of this backstory. I managed to fight them all off with my insane rocket launcher skills, and, if you’re a girl, I saved you and we lived happily ever after. If you’re a guy, I STILL saved you and we STILL lived happily ever after, ‘cause that’s how I roll (Also, that rendered the interjection completely unnecessary! PRO!). Anyway, I’m out of space on the page, so Part 1 is over. See y’all next week!